FUNKed — August 31, 2015

FUNKed

Okay so my FUNK fog has been building all weekend. Ever get that way? Seems to start when I’m supposed to be having a good time. Like the FUNK (aka enemy) has to invade my good time. I know I’m anticipating our final IVF appointment tomorrow. I’m scared, sad and a smidgen excited. Hoping that smidgen continues to grow.

I woke up today and the fog slowly rolled in. By mid day, the sunshine started to break through. I reached out to my friends and co-workers and shared with them. I even cried to them. It helped. I needed it.

Last week my counselor suggested I start a log to see how “well” I’m living. I took this hard. I took it to mean that if I “failed” then perhaps going back on meds would be a solution. I might have mentioned this in one of my former entries, I was on meds about 3 years back to help with anxiety. I didn’t like being on it, but for the most part, it helped. I went off of it when we started trying. I was only on it for about a year. It’s tough to accept help (meds or otherwise). I don’t know if this will be where I end up, but I’m doing my best to surrender to God’s plan and “help” in whatever form it may take.

Maybe today it’s your turn. Jesus has a message for you. It has nothing to do with your qualifications. It has to do with coming to the end of yourself, because that’s when God can use you in the very best way. By his grace, and by nothing you can offer, he chooses you. –from Chosen (bible.com)

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not alone — August 24, 2015

not alone

Sorry I was MIA last week. We had some family visiting. It was wonderful having a full house. Makes my heart ache even more for us to start a family. Next week is our final IVF appointment. Not really sure how to feel about it, but right now, I’m at peace with it. Hope that lasts… 🙂

Lately, I’ve been beating myself up. What I did or didn’t say, how I’m feeling and reacting to life. The beating usually lasts longer than the actual moments I’m reflecting on. Am I alone in this? Perhaps it just my personality, but I don’t think God wants me to treat myself this way. Feels like such a waste and leaves me in such a funk. Funks are no fun. But then I try and find meaning in them. Maybe He wants me to learn something from it. Will it teach me empathy, compassion, allow me to help someone in the future? I certainly hope so.

Quote that brings me comfort:

You’ll walk through the valley of the shadow, but I promise you this: you’ll never walk alone.

Two Thankful — August 12, 2015

Two Thankful

My sis and I took yesterday off from work to get our tatas checked and spend the day together. You could call us bosom buddies 🙂 This appointment is always incredibly stressful for me. Especially since the biopsies I had done last January. But! My tech that did the ultrasound was totally sent from heaven. She spoke to me the whole time! Small talk as well as what she was actually seeing (I have fibrocystic breasts). I was so grateful. There’s nothing worse than a tech that doesn’t talk and leaves me laying there stressing in silence. So final verdict – all clear!

Also, today, found out that my annual OB exam was also normal, which is also great news. Two major answers to prayer!

On the fertility front, we have our final IVF appointment scheduled in a few weeks. I’m nervous, excited, terrified and somewhat hopeful.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11
better late… — August 6, 2015

better late…

Late writing this week. Monday just got away from me. These past few weeks have been tough. Lots to do and lots of anxiety around it all. This is something I’ve read on more than one occasion recently:

“The secret to personal change is something you know. You know the truth. When you change the way you think, it changes the way you feel. And when you change the way you feel, it changes the way you act.”

God talks to us in a way we’ll understand. It took me a few times reading this for it to really sink in. My mind definitely gets twisted by stress, worry, anxiety and this for sure affects the way I feel and act. My body gets twitchy and panicking. But it takes an effort to change the way you think. I mean how do you really do this? I have an idea and sometimes it actually works, but I think the real question is, how do we do this instantly? I have no patience with myself. I want to change the way I think/feel/act as soon as possible! I guess that’s a huge part of the lesson. Taking the time to meditate, pray, reflect, exercise, practice changing the way you think. I’m trying, but some days it is hard to do. Today, right now, I’ll start. Guess it’s better late than never…

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