Rest — October 28, 2015

Rest

So we’re on our rest cycle. Next week is our consult to discuss our transfer. Trying very very hard not to think about it too much because when I do, I feel the pressure. We only have 1 frozen embryo. That is a lot of pressure. So…breathing and remembering where I am…which is the couch watching Castle 🙂

Went to see my counselor today and we discussed going on meds again for anxiety. I don’t want to go on anything while I’m trying to get pregnant. I think that’s okay. She reminded me that to change my negative thought patterns (which I easily get caught in), I need to focus on the positive. I need to do it everyday. I sometimes forget to think about the positive. I feel like I’ve gotten used to imagining the worst case scenario. Perhaps I’m trying to protect myself.

What do you do when you’re lost in the negative? How do you shift to the positive? Have I mentioned how stressful this infertility stuff is :{

SHOULD — October 19, 2015

SHOULD

It’s Monday again! ME Monday. Saw my counselor today. Was nice to reflect on current blessings and how I’m practicing self-compassion. Been trying to journal more. Especially when something is really speaking to me. Funny how God will keep sending you the same message until you “get it”.

Yesterday, I truly allowed myself to just BE. I didn’t push myself into my usual SHOULDS. I SHOULD clean this. I SHOULD go food shopping. I SHOULD tend to this…too many SHOULDS. The result of this was a peaceful evening with my husband. He returned from playing golf and we went food shopping together and then got some take out for dinner. Very relaxing. It was so great.

What SHOULDS can you let go of today? God wants to spend time with us right where we are, not after we accomplish everything on our to do list. Pretty amazing how God will make time for everything we need to do when we put Him first on our list.

A man should look for what is, and not for what he thinks should be. –Albert Einstein

Calm Columbus Day — October 12, 2015

Calm Columbus Day

The day after I wrote my last blog post, we got a call from the doc that we only had 2 embryos left. He said they weren’t looking good. We were devastated. It was one of the toughest nights for us. Two days later, we received a call from the embryologist that 1 made it to the freeze. One of our little babies made it! It was the best birthday gift ever. Friday was my birthday 🙂

So now we’re in a rest cycle. We will meet with the doc the beginning of November to discuss the transfer. Excited and oh so nervous. Before that appt. we are hoping to take some time for ourselves and get away. We haven’t been on a real vacation in over a year due to all treatments and appointments. I want escape for a bit. We all need that from time to time.

In a few weeks, hoping to celebrate our anniversary, birthday and surviving IVF up until this point. Need to celebrate all we’ve been through and where we’re going. How do you celebrate life?

So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. –1 Corinthians 10:31

Scrambled Egg Retrieval — October 5, 2015

Scrambled Egg Retrieval

So 2 days ago I had my egg retrieval. It went well. I was super ready due to the cramps I was having that morning. I was the last one scheduled for the day. I got comfy in the waiting room and watched HGTV while playing Candy Crush and chatted with the hubs. I was grateful for how well it went. They retrieved 12 eggs. I was thrilled with this number. Yesterday we got the call about how many “made it”. The embryologist reported that only 11 were retrieved. One might have fallen apart once removed. From the 11, 7 were immature. That leaves us with 4. From the 4, 2 fertilized normally and the other 2 abnormally. They will continue watching the 2 abnormal ones. I was heartbroken. I cried for about an hour. Now we wait another 4 days to see if they make it to the biopsy (genetic testing) and freeze. I’m trying with all my might to stay in a semi-hopeful holding pattern.

This is tough. No doubt about it. It’s TOUGH. I question (often) if this is worth it. Do I want to be a mom that badly? Is God trying to tell me something? Maybe I’m not cut out to be a mom. But something…someone…God some how keeps me moving toward this goal. Where have I gathered this strength to not only endure this journey, but share it? I’m finding gratitude in that.

Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord! – Psalm 27:14

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