Grief — January 26, 2016


So there are 7 stages of grief: shock or disbelief, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, and acceptance/hope. I think I’ve experienced about half of these. Grieving over this failed IVF cycle has been hard. Massive ups and downs. My depression is usually accompanied by severe anxiety which is not a fun combo.

But today has been a good day. A turning point. It’s been a little over a week since our beta (blood test) and perhaps time is starting to heal. Heal and let go. Let go of feelings of failure, pain, anxiety and depression. I’m trying to let go of all of these. Feel them and then heal them. This is my prayer.

Resilient — January 18, 2016


So sorry I missed posting last week. I came down with a wicked cold. Hubs took the night off from the gym to take care of me. Love that man.

Many of our IVF supporters said that getting a cold was a good sign. They said the baby was taking a toll on my nutrients. As lovely as that sounded, it was not a fun cold, but I got progressively better throughout the week. Thankful for a job where I can work from home and take care of myself.

Friday was our beta (blood) test. Negative. We’re heartbroken. Not sure what else to say other than that. It felt like someone died. As I write this, tears continue to fill my eyes. It’s hard.

My word for 2016 is Resilient. As I tossed and turned last week waiting for the test, I felt this word spoken to me. The Bible is filled with words on resilience. I know that my infertility journey continues and I have no idea what the next step is, but I know I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and trust that the Lord will put a stone there.

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might.- Ephesians 6:10

Transfer Day! — January 4, 2016

Transfer Day!

It finally happened! We transferred our one and only embryo today. What a miracle.

Day started out with nerves (woke up pretty early). As the morning progressed, I rested and reflected on the day to come with a huge orange cat on my lap. It was nice. Took my time getting ready. Wore a new maxi dress (from a friend) and did my hair and makeup. As we left the house, I started chugging my water (need a full bladder for the transfer).

When we arrived, hubs said a lovely prayer in the car. I felt accomplished for just arriving at the office. Paperwork needed to be filled out (yuck) and then they called my name. Hubs came back with me and the nurse walked us through the procedure. While we were waiting for the doc, the nurse asked if my bladder was full. I said, “it’s getting there”. As she left, it hit me like a monsoon! The bladder was full. I then proceeded to pee a little while waiting to change into my gown.

Once I was in the stirrups and they pressed on my belly to see if it was full, I was told we had to wait another 10 minutes for it to fill more! Ahhhh!!!! Thankfully, the nurses were beyond awesome and talked to me the whole time and filled me with hope. So now we wait and hope for 2 weeks until we take our blood test. Wow. Here’s hoping for Monday miracles!

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