Held — July 26, 2016

Held

Have you heard that song by Casting Crowns called Just Be Held? It’s really speaking to where I am right now:

Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on
And when you’re tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There’s freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go
So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held
If your eyes are on the storm
You’ll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You’ll know I always have and I always will
And not a tear is wasted
In time, you’ll understand
I’m painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands
The very first line, “Hold it all together” resonates with me. All of my family and friends are very supportive by telling me how strong I am or how proud they are of me, but truthfully, sometimes, I just want to give up. Infertility is hard. It’s hard enough coming to the decision that you want to be a parent and then to have to venture down this long, daunting path makes it that much harder. This song gives me strength and reminds me to surrender it all to Him. And when it seems like a big old mess, it’s actually turning into something, “it’s falling into place.” Like a mosaic. Broken pieces coming together to form something beautiful. So today I’m going to practice letting go and just being held.
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cry baby — July 11, 2016

cry baby

Okay so who among you cries, often? I am a self-professed cry baby. I can be easily moved to tears watching television–something sad, happy, doesn’t matter. Since I’ve been seeing my new Christian counselor, I think I might cry less. She mentioned that might happen. Something to do with maturity…not sure about that, but I’m hoping she’s on to something. However, this week (yes it’s only Monday) I’m feeling a bit sensitive.

Over the weekend, I started taking my first medication to begin our transfer process. Ahhh…the lovely birth control pill. Perhaps that’s adding to my rawness, but either way, I’m choosing to love my tears this week. They’re not an indicator of brokenness, but of faith and strength. Also, who wants to cry alone?

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