It’s been a month — February 15, 2016

It’s been a month

I have missed you all the past 2 weeks! I was in NJ visiting family and then last week I decided to do yoga instead of blog. Sometimes a break is good.

So, it’s been a month since our negative beta test. Been a tough month, but also an amazing one. Everyone’s compassion, empathy and love have been extraordinary. I’m so grateful for the people in our lives who are praying and grieving with us. They help me have hope.

Now begins the big wait…what do we do and when do we do it? I have no idea when the right time is to start this adventure again. I’m telling myself that waiting for my bod to get back on track is a good thing. And it is, but I’m still dreading going through this again. It’s a tough road and I know my doc is going to want to do surgery. I don’t want surgery. I’m scared. I think I’m gonna try and bundle up all this fear, anxiety, questions and hand it over. Giving it over to you God. Take it and make it beautiful like only you know how to do.

(image taken while visiting family – it was a great trip)

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Tumor Humor — November 24, 2015

Tumor Humor

I love this time of year. It’s a time of praise, gratitude, celebration, and reflection. Thinking back, I am especially thankful for a particular person that has greatly influenced my life and current path in life.

He graced my world about 10 years ago. I don’t remember our introduction, but right out of the gate, he was asking me to do things that made me uncomfortable. I believe he saw potential in me. We were in community together at Discovery Church. We both belonged to DVAT (Discovery Visual Arts Team). This was my first small group! It was a great experience. As I grew with this team, our bond strengthened and he continued asking me to try new things. I jumped into camera work, producing, and presently, facilitating online services. He left me with this last task to lead for him.

His name was Bernard DeLoach. He was my pastor, friend, mentor, and a father-like figure in my life.

You might be wondering, what’s with the title of this post? Well, in Bernard’s final year of life, he lived with brain cancer. He would post wonderful inspiring nuggets of wisdom and fun facts on Facebook. He called it “Tumor Humor.” One of his last installments:

“Tumor Humor: Don’t know what to think when a hospice nurse says, ‘Let him eat whatever he wants.’ –Hold on. I think I hear the Ben and Jerry’s delivery truck pulling up!” – December 15, 2014 (two weeks before he passed away).

He looked his illness in the eye and said, “I’m here and God has a plan for me”. Bernard wasn’t afraid to share his journey with others. He shared all the joy, pain, sorrow, and faith with the world. I’m so incredibly thankful for this because he has taught me that in this life we have to be real and when we are, we can truly connect with others.

I don’t know what Bernard would think about where I am on this infertility path and journey, but I do know that he would support me and tell me to share it. Share my season, my storm, my gratitude with others. Well I’m doing it friend. I hear you. I miss you. I love you. Until we meet again, thank you for blessing my life with your spirit.

Two Thankful — August 12, 2015

Two Thankful

My sis and I took yesterday off from work to get our tatas checked and spend the day together. You could call us bosom buddies 🙂 This appointment is always incredibly stressful for me. Especially since the biopsies I had done last January. But! My tech that did the ultrasound was totally sent from heaven. She spoke to me the whole time! Small talk as well as what she was actually seeing (I have fibrocystic breasts). I was so grateful. There’s nothing worse than a tech that doesn’t talk and leaves me laying there stressing in silence. So final verdict – all clear!

Also, today, found out that my annual OB exam was also normal, which is also great news. Two major answers to prayer!

On the fertility front, we have our final IVF appointment scheduled in a few weeks. I’m nervous, excited, terrified and somewhat hopeful.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11
better late… — August 6, 2015

better late…

Late writing this week. Monday just got away from me. These past few weeks have been tough. Lots to do and lots of anxiety around it all. This is something I’ve read on more than one occasion recently:

“The secret to personal change is something you know. You know the truth. When you change the way you think, it changes the way you feel. And when you change the way you feel, it changes the way you act.”

God talks to us in a way we’ll understand. It took me a few times reading this for it to really sink in. My mind definitely gets twisted by stress, worry, anxiety and this for sure affects the way I feel and act. My body gets twitchy and panicking. But it takes an effort to change the way you think. I mean how do you really do this? I have an idea and sometimes it actually works, but I think the real question is, how do we do this instantly? I have no patience with myself. I want to change the way I think/feel/act as soon as possible! I guess that’s a huge part of the lesson. Taking the time to meditate, pray, reflect, exercise, practice changing the way you think. I’m trying, but some days it is hard to do. Today, right now, I’ll start. Guess it’s better late than never…

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