Good + Bad News — September 22, 2016

Good + Bad News

First ultrasound today. Almost 7 weeks. Good news and bad news. Good news there’s a heart beat and it’s measuring appropriately for how far I am but it’s in the lower part of my uterus and the gestational sack is small. The fibroid has gotten bigger and quite possibly pushing on it. There’s a chance of miscarriage. Could also be considered cervical ectopic pregnancy which would mean termination. Doc is going to talk to his colleagues and get back to us on that one. We have another ultrasound in a week. We’re heartbroken but trying to remain hopeful.

Grateful for another day with our baby. 

It Happened — September 12, 2016

It Happened

So we had our 2 beta tests last week and we are PREGNANT! It’s truly a miracle. I’m still in shock. But it happened! To no surprise, I find myself gasping for air due to allergies and anxiety. I almost wish I had more symptoms to know everything was alright.

We are currently 5 weeks and our first ultrasound is September 22. Ahhhhh!!!! That’s crazy pants. Although, I’m writing about this here (for my readers that have followed me on this journey), we don’t plan to officially announce it to all our friends until we’re through the first trimester. We are so grateful for all the prayers that have come from all of you ❤ ❤ ❤

Twice as Grateful — August 25, 2016

Twice as Grateful

Yesterday we arrived at the clinic nervous, anxious and not sure what to expect. We had one normal embryo we were hoping to transfer and another we had to re-biopsy. They were running behind schedule so we had to wait. Finally, they called us back and placed us in a holding bay. As we sat there, my bladder filled (has to be full for transfer) and the curtain opened. The new doctor introduced himself and proceeded to say the best news I’ve heard in a long time. He said we had 2 healthy embryos to transfer. Hubs and I were over the moon. Took all my strength not to burst into tears right there. As I prepped for the procedure, I couldn’t stop smiling. We were going to transfer TWO embryos. We barely had one the last time. This was our second full IVF cycle and to have 2 babies to transfer was such a blessing.

Today starts our TWW (Two Week Wait) and I’m officially PUPO (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise). You learn all these fun acronyms in all the awesome support groups out there. I hope to enjoy this time of hope and growth. Whatever the outcome, I am forever grateful for this experience.

Embies

Transfer Troubles — August 15, 2016

Transfer Troubles

Today I had my pre-op appointment for our second IVF transfer. Doc came in and did the probing. He had another doc shadowing him. Nothing like a party around your who-ha. As he’s doing the exam, he mentions my fibroid.We have been moving forward with this transfer instead of pursuing surgery. We were hopeful and relieved, but after today, I’m discouraged and wondering if we’re doing the right thing. I’ve been banking on this working. I wasn’t going to try and protect myself and not get my hopes up. I did that last time. Why should I do that again? I know what grief feels like, but today left me feeling like I’m going to be heartbroken again. Doc was not encouraging at all, but we are proceeding with the transfer. We need a miracle. I know this. Conceiving is a miracle in itself – IVF or not. I shared all these feelings with the hubs and as usual, he talked me down. Thank the Lord for him.

As my sweet friend, Kari reminds me, “Proclaim it in the name of Jesus!” Well as troubled as today left me, I’m here proclaiming that this is going to work and surrendering it Him.

Held — July 26, 2016

Held

Have you heard that song by Casting Crowns called Just Be Held? It’s really speaking to where I am right now:

Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on
And when you’re tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There’s freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go
So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held
If your eyes are on the storm
You’ll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You’ll know I always have and I always will
And not a tear is wasted
In time, you’ll understand
I’m painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands
The very first line, “Hold it all together” resonates with me. All of my family and friends are very supportive by telling me how strong I am or how proud they are of me, but truthfully, sometimes, I just want to give up. Infertility is hard. It’s hard enough coming to the decision that you want to be a parent and then to have to venture down this long, daunting path makes it that much harder. This song gives me strength and reminds me to surrender it all to Him. And when it seems like a big old mess, it’s actually turning into something, “it’s falling into place.” Like a mosaic. Broken pieces coming together to form something beautiful. So today I’m going to practice letting go and just being held.
cry baby — July 11, 2016

cry baby

Okay so who among you cries, often? I am a self-professed cry baby. I can be easily moved to tears watching television–something sad, happy, doesn’t matter. Since I’ve been seeing my new Christian counselor, I think I might cry less. She mentioned that might happen. Something to do with maturity…not sure about that, but I’m hoping she’s on to something. However, this week (yes it’s only Monday) I’m feeling a bit sensitive.

Over the weekend, I started taking my first medication to begin our transfer process. Ahhh…the lovely birth control pill. Perhaps that’s adding to my rawness, but either way, I’m choosing to love my tears this week. They’re not an indicator of brokenness, but of faith and strength. Also, who wants to cry alone?

19-inside-out-cry.w529.h352

1.5mo — June 28, 2016

1.5mo

I can’t believe it’s been a month and a half since my last post! I’ve been a bit distracted with another IVF round and such. That’s right. We did it again! This time I went 12 days on stims, retrieved 13 eggs, 6 fertilized normally, 4 made it to freeze!

We are now preparing for another transfer. It’s crazy. We also did genetic testing this time. The doc called me personally and earlier than expected with results. This made me nervous. He told us that we have 1 normal embryo, 2 abnormal and 1 inconclusive (not enough DNA in tissue sample). So, we plan to transfer the 1 and possibly 2 after another biopsy of the inconclusive one. It’s exciting and surprising. I was fully prepared to discuss surgery, but the doc thinks we should do the transfer. At this point, I have no idea what is “right” but I’m trying to surrender it all to God and know that He’s got this. He’s got us. He’s the designer of our plan. I’m grateful and excited for that.

Trinity — May 4, 2016

Trinity

The other night I was saying my nighttime prayers and did what I’ve always done since I was a kid, I crossed myself. I was brought up Catholic and this is what you do when you pray. I find it very comforting, but never put much thought as to why. Until the other night…

As I touched my forehead and said “Father” I realized that Father God is in total command of my mind. That is such a relief. I don’t know about you, but some crazy a$$ thoughts travel through my noggin. I need Him every second of the day to release those negative thoughts to.

Then I said “Son” as I touched my heart. Jesus wants to make my heart His home. Deep down I’m empty without Him in it. I need Him to fill every nook and cranny. We all know how it feels when our heart aches. With Jesus as the head of our heart home, we’re sure to find that peace that goes beyond understanding.

Last but not least, “The Holy Spirit” (shoulders). The Holy Spirit is still revealing Himself to me. If I call Him, He will come. He guides and protects me. He is fully God. He is alive. He walks beside me, goes before me, follows behind and carries me through this crazy life.

The next time you cross yourself, think about what you’re saying and doing. Open your mind, heart and body. And then invite the Father, Son and Holy Spirit into your life.

Practice Makes Peace — April 26, 2016

Practice Makes Peace

After a somewhat meditative Monday, I’m happy to be sitting on the couch watching a hallmark movie. Work was a bit stressful, but overall I could feel God carrying me through.

Speaking of spiritual support, hubs and I made it through our IVF consult last week. It was nerve-wracking, but it was better than I expected. No pushing surgery, just a friendly discussion (as friendly as IVF can be) about our last round and what’s next. So what is next? We are in the process of prepping for another round. Currently on BC and next appointment is Wednesday to discuss meds and protocol. I know I’ll be a nervous nelly, but I will continue to practice TRUST.

Those who know your name trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you. – Psalm 9:10

 

Giving in — April 19, 2016

Giving in

Tomorrow is our consult to discuss next steps. We will most likely talk about our failed cycle, next IVF round and possibly surgery. Not my favorite topics, but I’m going to come armed with questions and chamomile tea.

Yesterday, hubs and I had a heart to heart. I had trouble articulating what I was thinking and feeling, but to sum it up – I don’t want to give up. However, I struggle with wanting to do my part and surrendering to God’s plan.

I’ve  come to the realization that it’s not about giving up. It’s about giving in. I want to let go and let God. I want to accept my anxiety, OCD and infertility and know that God has a plan for me.

Tonight, I’ll be kind to myself. I’ll eat pasta, watch tv (Good Witch & Dancing with the Stars), read, write and sleep. Tomorrow, I’ll take the next step to growing our family.

 

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